To Respect or Not to Respect…No Longer the Question.

Last year I wrote a blog post revolving around respect.  How respect is to be earned and what kind of man has earned my respect.  Well I felt another post was needed due to my new understanding of respect.  Sure, our society says that respect is something that has to be earned.  What a man or woman does equals the amount of respect they get.  Although woman need respect this post is about men. Men need respect differently than women.  If you don’t believe me think about this.  If you are a woman, just imagine your husband or boyfriend saying to you, “I respect you dear, you do a great job with your career or kids, etc; But I don’t love you.”  You would be crushed. This is the exact same thing to a woman saying to her husband or boyfriend, “I love you honey, but I just don’t respect you.”  We all need love and respect, yes, but women need love more than respect, and men need respect more than love.

This brings me to why I wanted to re-write my respect post.  The bible states in Ephesians 5:22-30 That women should respect their husbands and husbands are to love your wife.  Did you notice that women are told to respect, not love.  And men are told to love, not respect.  We are commanded to do the opposite of what we naturally do.  I have been reading Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and have been reading about this concept of unconditional respect!  Not unconditional love, which we learn from youth, but unconditional respect!

As a wife, I know I do not always deserve love.  I am moody, selfish and sometimes flat out mean. But if my husband treats me un-lovingly I am shocked and feel like a failure.  My husband may not always deserve respect either, but if I am dis-respectful he feels shocked and like a failure as well.

Eggerichs teaches about cycles.  The first is called the Crazy Cycle.  Without Love – She Reacts – Without Respect – He Reacts – Without Love – etc. on and on.  The second cycle is The Energizing Cycle.  His Love – Motivates – Her Respect – Motivates – His Love – etc.  See how both him loving and her respecting makes the circle go around.  Relationships are not going to flow right if women pour out love only, and if men only give respect.

But like I said this post is about respect.  What we as women need to get in our heads is that our men deserve our unconditional respect regardless of how you feel, just like you want unconditional love, regardless of how your partner may feel.

The third cycle that Eggerichs teaches is The Rewarded Cycle.  This is the hardest cycle to grasp because it is requires you to do to your part regardless of what your partner does.  His Love – Regardless of – Her Respect – Regardless of – Her Love… This is hardest thing for any of us to do.  I have only been married for 6 months, and I will tell you, it’s been the hardest six months of my life.  If anyone thinks that they don’t struggle with selfishness or pride, let them get married.  The Rewarded Cycle is something both my husband and I would love to get to but we’re not there yet.  Being able to put your own needs and desires aside, such as your needed love and respect, can be the hardest thing you will ever do.

I am no where near the wife I want to be.  I am prideful, and selfish; and honestly, I have a hard time with the concept of unconditional respect, but if you go back to Ephesians 5 a wonderful verse comes right before the commands.  Vs. 21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  I am trying to adopt this concept of unconditional respect because of my love for Christ.  In reverence to Him, I will respect my husband.  Whether I “feel” loved or not.

So there is my new understanding of respect.  It is not based off of what he does, my husband will be respected because I serve Christ.